What does your ego look like?

Reading Eckhart Tolle's wisdom on the ego made me see through the fog.

This isn't the sort of post I usually write, it's far too serious (and I might bore the crap out of you). But I think it's good to share (sharing is caring), and it's something that has really helped me; one of my most treasured 'finds', so it does fit into this blog. Forgive me if this is not your thing, but I hope it helps someone. Also, this is purely personal story and not a self-help guide; I have no answers.

Nose-diving to the bottom

Recently I found myself struggling with what I can only describe as 'life shit'. Up until a year ago I was a happy-go-lucky positive person. I'd managed to get through life's up and downs barely unscathed, floating through life like a happy fairy, so the nose dive into the ground was unexpected and devastating. Not having experienced the full-blown lows that life likes to throw, I was ill prepared to deal with what was going on. 

(Just writing that makes me feel guilty. So many people have had a rough time ALL their lives, and there I was privileged and unable to cope. What a spoilt unaware brat I was)

I recognised I was at rock bottom and, more importantly, I knew I needed help because all the strategies I was used to using were not working; positive thinking, ignoring the problem (that was my main strategy), crying, amateur psychology, talking it through with friends, joking about it (I'm an expert at deflecting) and distraction just didn't make me any feel better. 

I had an assessment, and started seeing a psychologist once a week for 16 hourly sessions. It was a slow process, and not one I enjoyed. I began to worry that this solution wasn't going to work either; it just wasn't for me. Panic set in. I was looking for a fix, a solution, a break in the clouds, a eureka moment of understanding. Why was my psychologist not providing this, right this minute? Stamp that foot!

I needed wisdom. And patience. The sessions were a good starting point, but I needed to do the work myself.

Sorting through my thoughts

I began writing down all my thoughts, like my life depended on it. I felt panicky if I wasn't within reach of my notebook (which soon turned into four notebooks and a stand-up comedy script). And that's where I began to sort through the mess of my thoughts. In my notebooks I was brutally honest, something I didn't feel I could be with my psychologist for some reason (please like me, Mrs Psychologist, I'm not a bad person). 

A few things finally became clear to me, and excuse how basic these things are, but I really wasn't used to being sad. 

1. It's only you that makes you happy

2. You have to heal yourself, but you may need help

3. Deep deep down you are OK

4. You hurt yourself more from what you imagine and tell yourself

5. You only have the present moment, the past is gone and the future doesn't exist

6. Life is a series of unrelated events, you haven't got a 'story'

7. Defining yourself as 'sad' is not WHO you are

8. Accepting the past is everything

9. You can't live in your thoughts, you have to get outside of yourself

10. Never read Instagram quotes or advice on YouTube

I read psychology books and self-help books, got into a mess trying to control my negative thinking (I'm sorry, you can't control your thoughts) and watched some crazy hokus pokus on YouTube, all to try and try and try and try to sort out my head. 

When I'd thrown the positive thinking book across the room and considered hypnotism (get me Derren Brown's number!), I finally found Eckhart Tolle and his writing on the ego and pain body. 

I needed wisdom, and this was it.

Eckhart Tolle's wisdom

Tolle's book The New Earth (what a crap title) was one of the things that brought me peace and healing, and it might work for you if you're struggling.

I'm now going to sum up his work in an appalling way (forgive me please). I'm already thinking this is a foolish thing to do, but here goes...

If you've ever said to yourself "I can't live with my thoughts anymore," that's when you know that the thoughts are not you. The thoughts just happen, and you are listening to those thoughts and reacting. That voice inside you, that rages like a child and comes up with every possible negative outcome, is not you but your ego. When you realise that, then you realise that actually the real you is OK. The real you is being tortured by your egoic thoughts.

"When every thought absorbs your attention completely, when you are so identified with the voice in your head and the emotions that accompany it that you lose yourself in every thought and every emotion, then you are totally identified with form and therefore in the grip of ego." Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Ego, in this context, is not just the boasting ego we generally refer to when someone is a bighead. It's the thing inside you that takes on all the blows that come your way, and voices it's unhappiness. It takes everything personally, whether you like it or not, and its job is to connect you to your past at all times. 

That connection with your past creates, what Eckhart calls, a pain body, and there's an interplay between the ego and the pain body. The ego loves to activate the pain body, and pain body loves to be activated. When you realise this, you can passively watch the ego at work but it's effects are lessened. You go from being unconsciously controlled by your ego, to being conscious of what's happening. 

You stop identifying with past events when you realise you only have the present moment. If you can sit still and accept the present moment as it is, then you have a recipe for some eureka moments. 

I hope that makes some sense. You have to read the book. I'm not doing it any justice. 

What my ego looks like

My ego is not me, and it helped if I saw it as a separate entity; an unsympathetic character, who I could laugh at. When I really thought about it, I saw it as a spoilt madame in high heels and lipstick, who rages and can't believe shit happens. 

What she says is always such a crock of shit. She'd tell me I was a logical person and that analysing everything in minute detail would help. She'd remind me of past events all the time, whisper horrible things about who I was, make me question everything and make me feel small, unworthy and claustrophobic. 

I began to watch her and shake my head in disbelief (she makes Gordon Ramsey look like a patient and reasonable boss). When I recognised her shit, my reaction to it was lessened. I'd let the thoughts come, and not fight them, but I knew they weren't authentic. 

"Don’t take the ego too seriously. When you detect egoic behaviour in yourself, smile. At times you may even laugh... Above all, know that the ego isn’t personal. It isn’t who you are. If you consider the ego to be your personal problem, that’s just more ego." Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

The path to peace

I can happily say, my ego is brutal and my pain body is big. I say happily, because I had to reach rock bottom before my survival instinct kicked in forcing me seek out help.

I don't exactly welcome sadness now, but I'm not scared of it. I know that I will face 'life shit' in the future just like everyone does, and I will accept it. It will pass. I know deep deep down I'm OK. And, I'm not just going to stop with Eckhart, I will continue to seek other wisdom, and get outside my head. 

I am also incredibly grateful that my life has been trauma free until recently. That's a separate issue, but one I'm aware of now and appreciate is not the experience of many others. 

What about you?

So I suppose I'm asking what your ego looks like, and what lies does it tell you? What story does it try to tell you about your life and past? Is that voice getting louder? 

That voice is not you, and it's not a reliable source of truth about you either.

 Eckhart Tolle's book may not be the thing that will help you, but it's worth giving it a go if you are being tortured by the thoughts in your head. It's important, I believe, to never stop seeking out wisdom if you're struggling. 

And one thing I have learned is that you CAN find peace, because it's already inside you waiting to come out.

Thanks for reading!

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